Taking a step back

Sometimes in life we are required to make sacrifices. Changing our mind spontaneously even though it's one of the most difficult decisions that we have ever made. Although we have our minds very much set to a direction, the thought of changing our plans seems like a step back in our experience, this leads us to think that we have not achieved but fallen further than we have ever been.

This thought is poisonous and can lead us towards more procrastination and can stop us from moving towards our goals in life. The thought of us loosing the time that we spent on countless projects, goals or work being dragged away from us as if it was all just an imagination. This is a terrible thought to keep stuck in the back our our minds.

Over the last few months, I have lost a lot of plans, projects and goals that i was working towards. This was devastating to me as now I am back to square one working towards something that will not be what i was originally working on. The most disappointing part of this event is disappointing my fans that have been patiently waiting for something to be released, and now that all files and work is lost, this pulls my enthusiasm down into starting a new project.

One of the hardest decisions that i have personally made, had almost torn me to shreds. Changing a years worth of planning by saving every scrap of money that i have had, learning a whole new language, living in a flat that i have dreaded since day one, and studying full-time. These have all been completely wasted and i felt as if i was doing the wrong thing and that I had let not just Sharon down, but myself and every friend that i have in Wellington. I still feel drowned by this move but am soon realise when university starts in a couples months time that i will thank this move of letting every single person that i know

Although the phrase that is commonly used amongst people known as "Shit happens". These people obviously have not experienced a pain that is not driven into their motivation bringing their creative level down. In fact this is one of the worst phrases to use on someone as it's showing a negative aspect of the situation and will not push anyone further to achieve their real goal.

One advantage of taking a step back in one of these areas in not only the project zone, but in the job industry as well is that it has shown me how far i have grown since i first started all of my projects. The knowledge that i have now will not be extinguished by something as small as a power surge, or a change in flight plans having me loose my job. But now i have an opportunity to start all my projects from a much better perspective and achieve something that i never thought was possible when i first started. So to end this brain-dump, i will say that i do not consider this to be a downgrade in life, but and opportunity to start something new and work on it in a respect that will be finished faster, be a much better product and to show what i can really do.

Taking a step back?
I think it's more like stepping to the side so i have more room to work on the real things that matter.

stress

lately i have started getting  very stressed. dont know why but its really starting to get to me.

could be due to me having less money now, having a girlfriend makes me seem more focused on her instead of my actual goals, my boss now getting annoyed at the fact that i am missing items for billing, or that there is just too much to do for one person.

so i am sitting by the waterfront listening to the water splash against the rocks and the cool gentle breeze blow againat my aching neck.


also i cod be loosing my job soon, and that scares me knowing that my family werent too happy about me moving home last time.

Strangers again why?

Feeling it, ALMOST looking it.

30 minute run, 45 push ups and 40 curl ups later.

Photography

I have come up with many new photography scene ideas. Ideas that I have thought up through my own feelings, wishes and hopes all in just a few scenes that will soon spread out into heaps of other ideas.

I want to get these done before I loose interest in finding models and picture of the scene in my head...

Ideas:
#1.

Scene:
In town outside a pub at night with 2 guys staring at a girl dressed up all nice but with hair all over the place and make-up running down her face hugging a guy tightly like her life depends on him.

Story:
Jessica was a beautiful young girl of her age being 16 when she happily dated her first boyfriend Dylan for 2 years before being broken up with for someone else that he presumed he liked more. Breaking Jessica's heart,  she went off and dated Kyle that was into some nasty habits of drinking, drugs and aggravation.

Feeling good and happy, Jessica went to town with Kyle on a Saturday evening and had a few drinks, long dances, and just enjoyed the happy atmosphere of letting loose. All too soon, Kylie decided to go get a drink leaving Jessica by herself on the dance floor. As time began to pass, she found herself alone on the crowded dance floor trying to look for him.

She find herself intoxicated and lost, she leaves the floor in search of Kyle only to find him hooking up with someone else leaving her in a state of sheer sadness. Turning around to walk away, two guys stand in her way with very unpleasant looking smiles on her face of which they then take her into the highly populated danced floor where she can't move or escape leaving her feeling claustrophobic.

One of the guys attempts to dance with her by taking her purse off her shoulder and handing it to the other guy that then ran off with all her belongings. Dancing and feeling her up, Jessica feeling VERY taken advantage off she starts to panic and kicks the guy in the jewels leaving him in anger beginning to pull her her making her scream. One person from the crowd stands up for her and pushes the guy away and kicks him out of the club, turning around he is unable to find her.

Sitting outside the pub with tears and makeup running down her face, she takes her phone out of her bra and calls the only person she wants to hear from at this time to take her and make her feel safe.

Dylan: "Hello?"

Jessica: *Sniff*

Dylan: "Ah, are you okay?"

Jessica: "No.."

Dylan: "What's happened?"

Jessica: *sniff* "Can you come get me?..."

Dylan: "Where are you?"

Jessica: "I'm outside the first place we went to together when I turned 18"

Dylan: "I'll be there as soon as I can, hang in there!"


Scene.


#2.
Scene:
Behind picture of a man standing up holding a red rose behind his back watching one girl leaping into kiss another guy.


Story:
Leave for another time.

Being the puppet.

Today I had the biggest feeling that people like using me for their own benefit. Talking to me and keeping me on the hook for their own pleasure and requirements until they find a replacement.

Although I have not done this yet, and I know that it isn't good, but this is still driving me towards the idea of finding pointless dates and one night stands to sooth my problems.

This here is where I am looking at the negativity because I am doing what almost everyone does these days which is look at the wrong people for the wrong reasons in order to keep a relationship with someone in different matters.

I'm really getting sick of this.

This sort treatment it makes me want to do nothing but get as high and drunk as a mother fucker and let my life fade into the darkness where I can't hear the begging of the puppeteers.

Sitting by the water

This song came on the radio today and it reminded me of you

Reminded me of how things used to be simple yet seemed so complicated.