stress

lately i have started getting  very stressed. dont know why but its really starting to get to me.

could be due to me having less money now, having a girlfriend makes me seem more focused on her instead of my actual goals, my boss now getting annoyed at the fact that i am missing items for billing, or that there is just too much to do for one person.

so i am sitting by the waterfront listening to the water splash against the rocks and the cool gentle breeze blow againat my aching neck.


also i cod be loosing my job soon, and that scares me knowing that my family werent too happy about me moving home last time.

Strangers again why?

Feeling it, ALMOST looking it.

30 minute run, 45 push ups and 40 curl ups later.

Photography

I have come up with many new photography scene ideas. Ideas that I have thought up through my own feelings, wishes and hopes all in just a few scenes that will soon spread out into heaps of other ideas.

I want to get these done before I loose interest in finding models and picture of the scene in my head...

Ideas:
#1.

Scene:
In town outside a pub at night with 2 guys staring at a girl dressed up all nice but with hair all over the place and make-up running down her face hugging a guy tightly like her life depends on him.

Story:
Jessica was a beautiful young girl of her age being 16 when she happily dated her first boyfriend Dylan for 2 years before being broken up with for someone else that he presumed he liked more. Breaking Jessica's heart,  she went off and dated Kyle that was into some nasty habits of drinking, drugs and aggravation.

Feeling good and happy, Jessica went to town with Kyle on a Saturday evening and had a few drinks, long dances, and just enjoyed the happy atmosphere of letting loose. All too soon, Kylie decided to go get a drink leaving Jessica by herself on the dance floor. As time began to pass, she found herself alone on the crowded dance floor trying to look for him.

She find herself intoxicated and lost, she leaves the floor in search of Kyle only to find him hooking up with someone else leaving her in a state of sheer sadness. Turning around to walk away, two guys stand in her way with very unpleasant looking smiles on her face of which they then take her into the highly populated danced floor where she can't move or escape leaving her feeling claustrophobic.

One of the guys attempts to dance with her by taking her purse off her shoulder and handing it to the other guy that then ran off with all her belongings. Dancing and feeling her up, Jessica feeling VERY taken advantage off she starts to panic and kicks the guy in the jewels leaving him in anger beginning to pull her her making her scream. One person from the crowd stands up for her and pushes the guy away and kicks him out of the club, turning around he is unable to find her.

Sitting outside the pub with tears and makeup running down her face, she takes her phone out of her bra and calls the only person she wants to hear from at this time to take her and make her feel safe.

Dylan: "Hello?"

Jessica: *Sniff*

Dylan: "Ah, are you okay?"

Jessica: "No.."

Dylan: "What's happened?"

Jessica: *sniff* "Can you come get me?..."

Dylan: "Where are you?"

Jessica: "I'm outside the first place we went to together when I turned 18"

Dylan: "I'll be there as soon as I can, hang in there!"


Scene.


#2.
Scene:
Behind picture of a man standing up holding a red rose behind his back watching one girl leaping into kiss another guy.


Story:
Leave for another time.

Being the puppet.

Today I had the biggest feeling that people like using me for their own benefit. Talking to me and keeping me on the hook for their own pleasure and requirements until they find a replacement.

Although I have not done this yet, and I know that it isn't good, but this is still driving me towards the idea of finding pointless dates and one night stands to sooth my problems.

This here is where I am looking at the negativity because I am doing what almost everyone does these days which is look at the wrong people for the wrong reasons in order to keep a relationship with someone in different matters.

I'm really getting sick of this.

This sort treatment it makes me want to do nothing but get as high and drunk as a mother fucker and let my life fade into the darkness where I can't hear the begging of the puppeteers.

Sitting by the water

This song came on the radio today and it reminded me of you

Reminded me of how things used to be simple yet seemed so complicated.

Theres no place like home

The real people

Well now that was most certainly an amazing 21'st celebration! Spent well an truly over a grand on prep for the house with booze, food and a couple games. Took $300 to town and spent half of it on shots for myself and a couple other people. Got plenty of kisses from other people, most are from other people that were in town and were told from other people to kiss me which was an amazing feeling being kissed out of nowhere.

Two of the most biggest disappointments about it though would be for the speeches, having only 3 people say even something small about being thankful to have me as a friend or to even know me, that meant more to me than the other people that sat there saying nothing. The other downside was probably the lack of music, was too quiet for people to even hear once people started enjoying themselves.

All in all I will REALLY remember the people that went and made an effort, certainly showed me who are my real mates, and the ones that are only using me due to not having many friends and stickign around because they can.

Thank you buds! :)

Drink the problems away

I can't keep doing this. Almost 8 months of celibacy, very little reason to drink... hope gets restored and all of a sudden it is all destroyed in one night from one message. Good bye resolution, hopes and future thinking.

Although I will say this. My one goal atm is to get my guitars engraved in honour of those I have ALWAYS cared for x

Every possible minute

Flyleaf - Again

I love the way that your heart breaks
With every injustice and deadly fate
Praying it all will be new
And living like it all depends on you

Here you are down on your knees again
Trying to find air to breathe again
And only surrender will help you now
I love you please see and believe again

Love that you're never satisfied
With face value wisdom and happy lies
You take what they say and go back and cry
You're so close to me that you nearly died

Here you are down on your knees again
Trying to find air to breathe again
And only surrender will help you now
I love you please see and believe again

They don't have to understand you
Be still
Wait and know I understand you
Be still
Be still
Here you are down on your knees again
Trying to find air to breathe again
And only surrender will help you now
The floodgates are breaking and pouring out

Here you are down on your knees
Trying to find air to breathe
Right where I want you to be again
I love you please see and believe again

Here you are down on your knees again
Trying to find air to breathe again
Right where I want you to be again
See and believe!

Self Defence

I see everyone fighting, pushing, struggling, grieving and crying over things that I can help with easily by a simple few words or actions.

But this isn't something that I should be helping with unless it is asked of me.

Fighting our own battles allows us rely on ourselves for support and decision making.

Secretly I sit here feeling their pain but refusing to join in unless help is asked of me.

This also comes into order of people taking my advice as hard as it is... that's when they start taking order into their own hands.

Sometimes I wish someone would just run up to me and hug me tightly for no reason at all.

Exercise

I don't think I have sweated so much in years. I can feel the pain coming but its not stopping me!

Ignorance again

Couldn't be more true.

Too much to think about

!AHHH !

Planning a 21'st and trying to get people to go isn't easy, very little notice now but I have a venue at my old house that was offered TO me and now gotta organise food and transport out of there and other stuff as well???

BLAH!

MY BRAIN IS NOT MEANT TO MULTITASK!!!

Least suspectedT

The least suspected people can turn your LIFE into something else.

Ignorance

21'st!

Things to get

-Super awesome camera.
-Silver fern tattoo somewhere ( shoulderblade )
-Makers mark bourbon.

Moving

I have been offered a room in welly at $140 a week. That is DAMN cheap at the position of the flat and also a fairly large room with 2 people that I know and everyone else i get along with. I'd be a fool to not take it.

Something is holding me back though... what is it?
It could be ANYTHING here in the flat, or could be Upper Hut in general?

I think the bed problem is just an excuse to not move.

This needs a push IMO.

As time past on

The breath of death

I can't help but sit here at the computer all tense in my shoulders.

I can't ask someone to massage them as they want one in return because of the feeling.

My back aches and I can't focus on my activities.

Everything I planned is now stopped and no one has the same motivation that i have to continue it.

I'm so stressed and just can't relax.

Only thing that relaxes me at this time is either a passionate kiss or a breath of death.

Possession

I watched a movie the other night called 'Easy A' which is about a girl that starts lies up on accident that eventually turns her into the school prostitute figuratively. It got me thinking about how much we actually change due to someone else's effect on us causing us to change aspects of us to fit in with their lifestyle.

Some things change us without warning and other things WILL change without us knowing until we see how pointless it actually is and how unhappy it makes us. One of my very own aspects that did make me temporarily happy was travelling a lot to spent a few hours with someone.

• Are these changes actually necessary?
• Is temporary happiness worth it?

Well from what most people would know about me is that I do dwell on the past. I DO miss the good times I once had, and no I do not regret them, I just regret the way things ended and that they didn't last as long as I hoped they did.

These changes that were made, were made for the best at the time, but the long term effect is certainly not worth it when I think about it.

• So who are we really?
• Do we really know who we are?
• Or will we EVER know who we are or will we need someone to tell us?

Ass hole to ass hole

Tears of sorrow

"The sound of a tear drop, is louder than any word that can be expressed."

Don't cry for the wrong reason

Patience and hard to get.

Explain this to me how a woman is hard to get... but if i were patient then they would get IMpatient... hm... this doesn't make sense to me...

The smile of an angel

*sigh*

I still look back at and wonder what would of happened if that week had never ended...

Your soul is still as beautiful as it was when I met you.

Emotional Intelligence

http://www.talentsmart.com/services/keynotes.php

This guy is a fucken genius, it's amazing how much you can get done without any emotional attachments!

Living life to the full

Now this is something I seem to recall from a previous partner of mine of being what they do. Living Life to the full can be done in MANY ways, but the outcome is only what determined of what you do TO live your life to the fullest it can be.

This is something that has been swimming through my mind for a very long time on how I would go about doing this as I admired this direction that she took. Her way of doing this is to spend as much time as possible having fun with friends and adventuring around the city is a way to kill time in my opinion as opposed to living life to the fullest.

If you were to live your life to the fullest you can POSSIBLY attempt, this is done by finding your highest passion and shooting for it. NO MATTER how great it is or how much it will scare you to get there, or even how much change it will effect you, it will all pay off in the end and eventually you will lift off the ground and stop focusing on things that don't really matter to you until they are absolutely required.

Last year I was under the delusion that drinking, meeting people in a random flat, having great sex every week and doing nothing but having fun with friends was the way to live life higher than ever before. I now know that although those memories are NOT wasted or regretting, they aren't what i should have been doing as what it was just a distraction from doing what I most want to do.

As I am now at 5 months celibate and may try and push for 12. I now know that spending those days and nights wishing to get laid as well as trying to find someone to do this with, it was all completely a waste of time and will NOT benefit me in the long run. Although I still wish the same thing, its not among ANY of my priority's and instead i will focus on my job, my hobby, and learning as much as I can, while I can.

Living life to the fullest?
I'm sure the offer I was just received will benefit this MUCH further than finding a girlfriend with a high chance for it to last longer than a month.

! BAM !

Time for humor.

Right before your eyes

And i couldn't be more excited about it.

Famous crush???

I actually have a famous crush... wtf??



*sigh...* Her personality is so awesome... so gorgeous too...

What is it...

Why does it do this...

She is nothing but a slut...

Yet this song brings memory's STREAMING back...

The best things become the worst things in time...

I can't get rid of these thoughts...

Should I really do this?...

Curse this feeling...

I am better than this...

I know what I must do...

But human instincts are hard to control...

Let me free of this and bring new memory's in...

My position is great and what could be... WILL fail...

I shall drink more redbull and and focus more...

I have a lot to do and can't deal with this...

My future is relying on this decision...

I must fight it once again...

Lord, I pray to you...

Give me strength...

Achievements

Its amazing talking to people that say they have no talent, that they don't know anything and/or aren't good at anything. This is because these people want something they haven't gone for and never will due to a set back.

I have listed a great line of my history in game development over the past few days and although I have only gotten 2 comments on the moddb page. I can say I am EXTREMELY pleased with my achievements over the many years of sitting on my arse at the computer. Its all now showing off as I can now see exactly what i have made with it right infront of my face in big pictures and even VERY simple explanations.

! For whoever wants to read this click here !

Originally I didn't want to spend so much on the comptuer dealing with very difficult problems when it came to game, just learning one aspect of making a game is hard enough to do let alone create something as sufisticated as the games coming out these days.

So yes, my achievement of getting into IT is showing off MUCH better now that i have done this. Its a great boost in inspiration and will keep me doing this for years to come :)

Cheer!

The unnamed Guitar

I sit here at 11:23pm at night on a saturday that is on a very rare occasion that is my brothers birthday but in my own room and on my own computer after perhaps 4 cans of 8% bourbon that follows my level of alcoholism because i reach out for someone to hear my cry for help since everyone that i seek to hears my cry for company as for a cry for sex instead.

My cry right now is a cry for company for someone that cares instead of someone that just wants some poo-tang following a dump into the forbidden sea much like the people my feelings have gone towards with love and compassion but being torn up into the tiniest pieces you can possibly imagine and not care for.

A happy and not caring person gets all they get until it comes to something that they truly need that is nothing but someone to stand there and stare into their eyes and say nothing but -i am here for you and no one else-. This is all this person needs but everyone seems to say nothing but 'I am not here for you, you are nothing but a friend/disgusting boy for suggesting such a thing'. Putting this person into a state of dispare and self-disbelief, even after all that is done for others out of love. He can not do everything for everyone else and in return receive a simple message of hurtful words from those he trusts to speak the truth.

He looks at the blogs of those that have great meaning and love and thing of how much impact he has on those that mean so much to him but also have no great appreciation towards him and thinks that although the small blue hot waterbottle that still has great meaning to him on ice cold nights, all other small symbols have no meanings to other souls and that hope for the future is nothing but a great waste as no signs lead towards a brighter future other than the repeating message from those he admires "ew why are you flirting with ?me?... =D"

Although the night may be sliding away and the eyes of this individual may be blood shot towards you can not believe. My feelings for all those that are cared for, are still as high as my alcohol limit are at this present moment. They will and always be this high, and I can not say this more clearly since the situation is always confusing as it can be when those as those expresses the following "One does not want something serious JUST yet", "one does not like someone this low in he food chain", and the other already has a bf and does not like that is blogging but the others he knows".

What shall i do about this situation you say?
Atm... i think i shouldn't even be wrighting this blog as it may cause problems, on the otherhand... it may be time for a complete restart in life as this reincarnation is returning nothing but joy in day light but the night time brings nothing but a moonlight full of misery in nothing but a couple minutes.

This is why i look at my new guitar and wonder who I should name it after. Even if i name it after someone in particular, they will NOT understand its meaning even after naming my acoustic after Cathy. She will not understand how much she means to me... nor will the next girl will understand how much she means to me. That is why i will never admit my electrics name. In nothing but an image for those to guess.

All i can tell you is I love you, and you mean everything to me, Although no one knows who you are, I will never let this slip as I have torn people form their lives enough as it is, and I feel bad enough letting this action possess me without confirmation that my serious actions are worth the time and effort.

X I hope you know who you are X

What winter brings

All too familiar

People say winter is all year round New Zealand, that this place is always cold, always raining, always windy. always the same. What I have realised after my past years odd experience of living by myself is that when winter hits, moods drop, spirits plummet, anger raises and depressed spikes.

This of course I have learned from past experience and have learned from the past of what the cold windy rainy nights bring. Especially from other peoples actions when observing them from a distance.

Winter brings cold nights, where blood flow slows and thickens causing people to start getting aggressive which causes the blood flow faster and warm up.
Depression hits hard due to both of these symptoms causing very unpleasant living environments... lets see how things change over the weekend after the cure for winters disease being nothing as simple as a heater. ;)

It could be worse

These blogs usually take some great reason to post, this I am not sure what the reason is, could be that I want to reach out to someone that has a caring nature, or just to get my thoughts out ( which could be done on paper instead ).

Over next 3 days I am doing double shifts at work in 2 departments, then going all the way to upper hut to sleep at 9 at night for an acceptable amount of hours ( as according to everyone that lives off no sleep ). This of course is very tiring and stressful on the brain when it wants to relax on a daily-weekly routine.

This of course is very good for my resume and reputation at the hotel which will lead me towards a better position in the coming years ( If I am still working there ). But something happened today that made me think a whole lot about my plan over the past few months where if its the right choice to stay away from the whole 'relationship' attachment situation to help focus on a future that's more than a shitty job, or to try to hold one and keep that on the brain too as it chews through the rest of my life with both good and bad consequences.

Today at work I was working in functions as a waiter clearing plates. A guest stopped me to ask me in a cheeky manner if he could see my ID ( This of course I couldn't help but put on my big smirk and ask if he were serious ). Explaining that I was heading onto 21 he cracked up laughing and blah blah blah... ( It was a hilarious moment... ).

Later on in the day, the same guest came up to me after I cleared his plate and started picking food off it ( probably shouldn't have let him do so ). But he mentioned someone there had their eye on me. Taking me over to her table and playing the game "Have you met James?" with her, as awkward as it was being she laughed and was just as confused as I was leading me to walk off and continue doing my job.

Walking home in shoes that yet again are wearing out and tear into the bottoms of my feet as they also fill with water, this with a long busy shift made a miserable lonely walk home in the night sky leading to the idea that living in a place with a couple that are in a depressed relationship is not a move that could be worth the odd few dollars that I am saving on rent in the Hut.

Filling a blue striped water bottle with hot water for me to curl up with in bed makes it a tad better. Yet it doesn't leave me with someone to talk to... ALSO leading me towards wanting a partner again?... Is it worse the trouble of what last year brought me?... I don't think so... probably yet another depressing night with my thoughts stuck swimming around in my sub-concious that is also mixed with a very tiring day.

Good Night World,
This Sloth is gonna push till its last breath

Wasabi Subway

AHHH hahaha i remember this! Just found it and thought it was hilarious

Thinking ahead for the future.

Thinking ahead for the future.

What is the best thing to do?

Should i leave everything behind?

Start a whole new beginning?

Relive the past for a brighter future?



For one thing, my current future is going to consist of starting my old community back up and trying to make this grow as my hobbie for home while i work my way to the top at the hotel. Not the most terrific job for me to have since it has nothing to do with my qualifications, but its a better and brighter future to look forward to than being in a stressful position as a chef.

I never realized how hard it was to see a close friend of yours let themselves be throw into a deep hole of problems, and to ignore everything else but continue digging since its what they have been doing in years and don\t know how to let go of the shovel and grab someone else s hand.

Love and Lust

When it comes to this topic, there are MANY things to be discussed, but since its in such a blog in the middle of the night, ill be keeping it short.

LOVE

 True i am the type that hasn't technically found this yet, but there are many many forms of this for when it comes to Love, where girls talk about finding the perfect 'Knight in shining armor' that will take them from their life and send them to somewhere out of this world. This in my opinion is taken GREATLY out of concept, where as almost anyone can drop in out of the weirdest places and change your life making it seem almost the same but with a completely different concept. 

Saying that love is also blind will cover the fact that anyone could be treated badly but also covers their eyes to blind them that the love can drift into self-respect that relys on this person to help them feel better about themselves UNLESS they already love them self enough to keep the love in the relationship going.

Love yourself, or you will never love someone else.

LUST

  When it comes to lust, we think of someone that you really LUST for and want to just... GET with, without any regrets and hope that love comes afterwards. But this is something that people seem to fail to realize that it can blind them from love, but ALSO give them a reason to keep the bond going to keep things going due to the fact they will not find someone better than this individual as their ego drifts away as time passes them by.

  Some people will say that they love you straight after some small activity that is done for them, such as an activity, deed or in general had a really good fuck. This is in some ways considered to be lust as the reason why they are enjoying the others company is for what HAS been done for them instead of what has WANTED to be done for them.

Matthew 5:28
But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

Catherine seems to be a really good... ex-gf i guess you could put it... but somehow i think she needs a new boyfriend so we can now have that threesome we always wanted... soon i shall get her, her very own banshee and we can... rock on all night. 

xoxo

All i want to do is cuddle you all night, stroke that beautiful long red hair of yours and watch you sleep gently with your head buried into my shoulder.

You will never know how beautiful you are.

  For years i have been obsessed with someone that i barely even knew. Why i was this way i would never know, perhaps it was because she was the first girl that ever liked me, or maybe its because i actually liked her in every way possible.

  Over a few days i attempted to contact this girl over facebook to try and have a conversation and catch up. Eventually she accepted my request and we began to get to talking over a couple days, she did not even remember me let alone want to remember thus leading to her shutting telling me to get lost and that it was stupid to try to talk to her.

  Removed off facebook and left confused with what just happened, i wondered what i was going to do now since this was held on for so many years in many ways waiting for a long term catch up, meet up and the whole h.e.a (happily ever after) ending would happen, obviously this was not going to happen.

  A week past and i had one of my mutual friends friend add me and suggest a 'beneficial friendship', which so far has lead to something of which i have remained a VERY happy individual with a super happy personality which in some ways can lead me to thinking i have been drugged or can pass out with a giant grin on my face due to too much dopamine going to the brain.

  But what the heck... welcome to the spell broken Jimmy that has now risen and isn't afraid to be himself, although he looks like a complete twat, especially on video thank you very much...