What is it...

Why does it do this...

She is nothing but a slut...

Yet this song brings memory's STREAMING back...

The best things become the worst things in time...

I can't get rid of these thoughts...

Should I really do this?...

Curse this feeling...

I am better than this...

I know what I must do...

But human instincts are hard to control...

Let me free of this and bring new memory's in...

My position is great and what could be... WILL fail...

I shall drink more redbull and and focus more...

I have a lot to do and can't deal with this...

My future is relying on this decision...

I must fight it once again...

Lord, I pray to you...

Give me strength...

Achievements

Its amazing talking to people that say they have no talent, that they don't know anything and/or aren't good at anything. This is because these people want something they haven't gone for and never will due to a set back.

I have listed a great line of my history in game development over the past few days and although I have only gotten 2 comments on the moddb page. I can say I am EXTREMELY pleased with my achievements over the many years of sitting on my arse at the computer. Its all now showing off as I can now see exactly what i have made with it right infront of my face in big pictures and even VERY simple explanations.

! For whoever wants to read this click here !

Originally I didn't want to spend so much on the comptuer dealing with very difficult problems when it came to game, just learning one aspect of making a game is hard enough to do let alone create something as sufisticated as the games coming out these days.

So yes, my achievement of getting into IT is showing off MUCH better now that i have done this. Its a great boost in inspiration and will keep me doing this for years to come :)

Cheer!

The unnamed Guitar

I sit here at 11:23pm at night on a saturday that is on a very rare occasion that is my brothers birthday but in my own room and on my own computer after perhaps 4 cans of 8% bourbon that follows my level of alcoholism because i reach out for someone to hear my cry for help since everyone that i seek to hears my cry for company as for a cry for sex instead.

My cry right now is a cry for company for someone that cares instead of someone that just wants some poo-tang following a dump into the forbidden sea much like the people my feelings have gone towards with love and compassion but being torn up into the tiniest pieces you can possibly imagine and not care for.

A happy and not caring person gets all they get until it comes to something that they truly need that is nothing but someone to stand there and stare into their eyes and say nothing but -i am here for you and no one else-. This is all this person needs but everyone seems to say nothing but 'I am not here for you, you are nothing but a friend/disgusting boy for suggesting such a thing'. Putting this person into a state of dispare and self-disbelief, even after all that is done for others out of love. He can not do everything for everyone else and in return receive a simple message of hurtful words from those he trusts to speak the truth.

He looks at the blogs of those that have great meaning and love and thing of how much impact he has on those that mean so much to him but also have no great appreciation towards him and thinks that although the small blue hot waterbottle that still has great meaning to him on ice cold nights, all other small symbols have no meanings to other souls and that hope for the future is nothing but a great waste as no signs lead towards a brighter future other than the repeating message from those he admires "ew why are you flirting with ?me?... =D"

Although the night may be sliding away and the eyes of this individual may be blood shot towards you can not believe. My feelings for all those that are cared for, are still as high as my alcohol limit are at this present moment. They will and always be this high, and I can not say this more clearly since the situation is always confusing as it can be when those as those expresses the following "One does not want something serious JUST yet", "one does not like someone this low in he food chain", and the other already has a bf and does not like that is blogging but the others he knows".

What shall i do about this situation you say?
Atm... i think i shouldn't even be wrighting this blog as it may cause problems, on the otherhand... it may be time for a complete restart in life as this reincarnation is returning nothing but joy in day light but the night time brings nothing but a moonlight full of misery in nothing but a couple minutes.

This is why i look at my new guitar and wonder who I should name it after. Even if i name it after someone in particular, they will NOT understand its meaning even after naming my acoustic after Cathy. She will not understand how much she means to me... nor will the next girl will understand how much she means to me. That is why i will never admit my electrics name. In nothing but an image for those to guess.

All i can tell you is I love you, and you mean everything to me, Although no one knows who you are, I will never let this slip as I have torn people form their lives enough as it is, and I feel bad enough letting this action possess me without confirmation that my serious actions are worth the time and effort.

X I hope you know who you are X

What winter brings

All too familiar

People say winter is all year round New Zealand, that this place is always cold, always raining, always windy. always the same. What I have realised after my past years odd experience of living by myself is that when winter hits, moods drop, spirits plummet, anger raises and depressed spikes.

This of course I have learned from past experience and have learned from the past of what the cold windy rainy nights bring. Especially from other peoples actions when observing them from a distance.

Winter brings cold nights, where blood flow slows and thickens causing people to start getting aggressive which causes the blood flow faster and warm up.
Depression hits hard due to both of these symptoms causing very unpleasant living environments... lets see how things change over the weekend after the cure for winters disease being nothing as simple as a heater. ;)

It could be worse

These blogs usually take some great reason to post, this I am not sure what the reason is, could be that I want to reach out to someone that has a caring nature, or just to get my thoughts out ( which could be done on paper instead ).

Over next 3 days I am doing double shifts at work in 2 departments, then going all the way to upper hut to sleep at 9 at night for an acceptable amount of hours ( as according to everyone that lives off no sleep ). This of course is very tiring and stressful on the brain when it wants to relax on a daily-weekly routine.

This of course is very good for my resume and reputation at the hotel which will lead me towards a better position in the coming years ( If I am still working there ). But something happened today that made me think a whole lot about my plan over the past few months where if its the right choice to stay away from the whole 'relationship' attachment situation to help focus on a future that's more than a shitty job, or to try to hold one and keep that on the brain too as it chews through the rest of my life with both good and bad consequences.

Today at work I was working in functions as a waiter clearing plates. A guest stopped me to ask me in a cheeky manner if he could see my ID ( This of course I couldn't help but put on my big smirk and ask if he were serious ). Explaining that I was heading onto 21 he cracked up laughing and blah blah blah... ( It was a hilarious moment... ).

Later on in the day, the same guest came up to me after I cleared his plate and started picking food off it ( probably shouldn't have let him do so ). But he mentioned someone there had their eye on me. Taking me over to her table and playing the game "Have you met James?" with her, as awkward as it was being she laughed and was just as confused as I was leading me to walk off and continue doing my job.

Walking home in shoes that yet again are wearing out and tear into the bottoms of my feet as they also fill with water, this with a long busy shift made a miserable lonely walk home in the night sky leading to the idea that living in a place with a couple that are in a depressed relationship is not a move that could be worth the odd few dollars that I am saving on rent in the Hut.

Filling a blue striped water bottle with hot water for me to curl up with in bed makes it a tad better. Yet it doesn't leave me with someone to talk to... ALSO leading me towards wanting a partner again?... Is it worse the trouble of what last year brought me?... I don't think so... probably yet another depressing night with my thoughts stuck swimming around in my sub-concious that is also mixed with a very tiring day.

Good Night World,
This Sloth is gonna push till its last breath