Lately i have come to realize that i do blog a lot, not that i expect a lot of people to read them, comment and talk about them to me later on, but i use these blogs as like a diary of my past and to get a lot off my chest as most people would know I'm not one to speak my mind in front of people.

One of the things i really want to say at this present time is probably to give my deepest apologies to two people of which i have done some stupid things to without realizing until the very last split millisecond as well as dragging people down with me. As i would tell these people these things directly but after cutting off all contact to prevent further... destruction happening, a blog in hope of it reaching these people but with none to change anything as it's been way too long for forgiveness and forgetfulness (epic new word) to be along the lines of anything even when i am about to speak all the truth no matter what the consequences may be.

I do realize that after saying a million times to my ex girlfriend and to many of my friends that i would not speak of these two to protect us both from dramas, misunderstandings and everything else that could go wrong, but this has to be said because it is bursting inside me and there is no way to actually tell these things at the time of me thinking of them.

Person #1.
After all the things we have been through I'm really really shocked at myself after the things i have done and said where you have been nothing but a good mate. Ever since the second time your ex arrived, i have felt nothing but envy, anger, loneliness and of course a few others. These of which i thought originally were because i thought i were loosing you as my friend even through all the rofl's and stupidity that we were getting up to.
Around a month ago i realized what these emotions were actually connected from which is what i have been told several times over and over and over again but denied it every time let alone my deepest feeling that it was true where i was filled with jealousy, not only with your ex but with Person two


Person #2.
After hanging out with you for the first time where we went to pak'n save in upper hutt and so on, i had the strangest feeling about you, and even after Danielle asking me for my seal of approval that night, i didn't quite know what to say to her other than yes after seeing how person one was around you. I am believe it or not glad that i said yes ( not that it would have made a difference really )  as you two are still pushing along even after the things you have been through, I am very proud of you and of course a simple sorry would not suffice to the terrible mess i coursed you two unintentionally.
A while back, i was seriously considering stepping onto your territory and get whats coming to me, which of course could have been a couple black eyes, broken ribs, bones, casts and pretty much anything else that would have been satisfying to do to me which is what i do deserve in a lot of ways, of course i am no longer that brave or depressed anymore but i still expect the same thing now even after no contact for quite some time.

BlindSpot - Phlex

Sometimes when you lose your head
when you get upset
We’re there to break your fall
And there's no reason yet
why they took your friends
there's no reason at all.
At all.

No reason at all.
At all

No reason at...

When you want to rest your head
On a shoulder that
You know wont turn on you
We’re all here till the end
With you my friend
There’s no reason to go

There’s no reason to go
To go

We wont let you go
Dont go

Not one day that you are here
has been promised to you

Not one day that you are here on this earth
Has been promised to you
So make the most of everyday as if it was your last
And every breath, as if it was the same

The same
As if it was the same
The same
Things will never be the same
The same
We will never be the same
The same

Things will never be the same
The same

Never be the same...

Not one day that you are here
has been promised to you
So make the most of everyday
as if it was your last
And every breath
as if it was the same

Unleash this spell you have casted on me

Attempting to resurrect my self-esteem is inevitable.

Fearing the every corner in case there may be something lurking.

Tormenting and driving me into the darkest hole just to be at peace.

What can i do to be left in peace?

Avoiding all conversations about you isn't enough to feel your hatred.

Blocking you from my activities isn't enough for you to find a way around it.

Removing every connection from you isn't enough for you to harras me.

This curse has me on the edge of a cliff.

Pleading for forgiveness or at least to be forgotten is not an option.

Listing my problems to remember my mistakes isn't enough.

Praying for hope that i may not receive is my last solution.


Tell me what i have to do to have this curse lifted before self-destruction is the only solution.

Why is it that i can not seem to get along with many guys. Is it because i don't want anyone to get the impression that I'm gay? or that I'm waiting time talking to them? or just because all the guys i know are boring as hell or just too busy to talk? I don't even listen to music that has a guys voice in it that much as well.

In a way i could call this a way of making myself into a womanizer or just a whore as some people could refer to me as.

What does this tell me about myself? Does it tell me that I'm not as good talking to guys as girls since I've focused on talking to girls for way too long to even want to play a simple game of sport just to bond with my flat mates? Or perhaps it tells me that i have a secret side of myself which needs to be unleashed but has been stuffed so deep into my sub-conscious that i have no idea what it is.

Obviously i have the biggest thing when it comes to jealousy, everyone has told me and i refused to believe such a thing for a very VERY longtime. Although i have come to realize this WAY too far into the hole i have dug myself into, I'm don't know if this has anything to do with other guys, but maybe that I'm too afraid to get a smashing for hitting on their girlfriends accidentally.

This is probably one of the biggest things i need to talk about but haven't really had the time or thoughts to put into such a topic where having the thought of 'what will they think about this?' will be in the front of my mind as the topic goes along.

Do you still know that I've been planning something for 3 years time? Which was ever since i first kicked your arse on the computer?

Weather or not you still remember, theres no point in me telling you as i have no intention on getting in contact with you anymore. Sure i still talk to you when you come online once and a while to talk about games and so on, but theres no way im going to that smoking pit of a mad house you call home.

Midnight

Staying up till midnight listening to Evanescence loudly using my earphones.


Why?


Hell if i know.

Make history, don't repeat it.

Make history, don't repeat it. 

 That was my sign from god and i intend to stick to it.

Here is a blog about some good things about myself to lift my spirits as i've been in an emotional state for qutie some time.

I encourage people in things they want to do long term.
I'm a nice guy most of the time.
I won't insult people directly unless insulted first.
I have a popular youtube channel.
I help people out on the internet a lot.
Im good at gaming
I like to hug people and get hugged back.
I don't care on peoples religions or looks, i can still get along with them.
I can make people laugh.
I like taking pictures with and of people.
I can be passionate when writing cards or other things.
I'm practicing the guitar and getting good at it.
I like to surprise people when i have a great idea.
Im not living with my parents.
I have heaps of mates at work.
Im good at my job.
...

I can honestly say that my guitar is doing me well these past couple of days, I'm so greatful to have something there that i can use well that isn't attached to a power socket.

I couldn't help but go under, i felt myself being pulled, dragged even deeper down into the pits of which i knew was coming. I can't help but feel myself slowly fall apart. Im slowly dying and i feel as if no one cares.

Im sorry for the horror i caused the souls apon this earth but i can not express how sorry i am at this moment as tears of sadness rush down my cheeks.

Feeling as if im standing in the middle of a crowd with everyone watching me weep, but no one lends a hand to pull me off my feet, so i pray to God to send me a sign that things will be at least okay even after my screw ups.

I thought about the things you said yesterday. All of it is true, but i didn't realize how serious they were. So many faults about myself which are what i wanted to know about but no one would speak up about.

So I'm putting in a lot of effort now to build myself up which is what i said back in December. Although it may take some time to get back to my old self, i'll get there eventually but hopefully when that time comes, our friendship won't have hit rock bottom.

I have realized that since you aren't around anymore, i have no will to do anything in town which was why i was thinking that YOU were my confidence, and YOU were my motivation; but when i let go of that i let the rest of myself self-destruct until it was too late to revive myself.

I'm very thankful to have had you as a friend for this long as you certainly know people inside-out and you could see something in me that i could not. Thank you for being such a good friend to me even after all my bull shit,

I owe you everything.

I have asked myself many many times what other people see in me. Do they really like me or am i an excuse jsut to kill their boredom along with time that they have to spare?

In myself i see someone that is nice, can get ahead of himself very easily, not too social but when i want to be social there's nothing to do and/or i don't know how to with certain people ( A.K.A flat mates ). Enjoys their alone time where too much can become somewhat of a depressing alone time.

From what i have gathered from peoples reactions and message backs is that i am a good guy but tends to want to talk to someone all the time. Someone that is also lazy and doesn't want to do too much traveling where people meeting 'me' is something that i want to happen.

Sometimes i just want someone to come up and tell me exactly what they see in a calm and reasonable tone instead of hiding behind excuses and lies.

I... really miss you now

Rihanna - The Last Song

This song can't help but make me look at my life fro ma different perspective.
I may have what i wanted for a long long time, but i can't help but realize the fact that this time last year i was permanently happy, all day everyday.

Yes i did everything and there's no way to go back the way i was which is why im putting up this blog saying that since 2011 is here, im going to attempt to make sue of this new year, my new haircut, and hopefully bring in some new friends and start being the person i once was and hopefully this will.

Bring me to life.

After last night, i will never be the same ever again.

I'm just too horrified of going to sleep.

It almost seems as if my eyes don't deserve to be in a state that they aren't blood shot and/or baggy.

Since i can remember, i have had the feeling like i am unable to look at someone at the same time they are looking at me, speak in a way that can flatter them into liking me more than they should or even hug them without having the feeling I'm cheating on someone.

These past 12 months or so have given me a reason to not do any of the above. I have no had any second thoughts to do any of them intentionally at all which is probably one of the best things about me when it comes to being in a relationship with someone.

I keep having these thoughts as if, I'm doing it because i may be waiting for someone to talk to me, I'm waiting to get to know people before using their image as my lust before using their personality as my desire. This may sound like me, but why would i do this to everyone that i meet where they could be the ones staring at me in the first place?

Perhaps i still have my shyness when encountering people i don't know. This could be something that i need to sort out if i want to make some more friends or get to know more people at least without being stuck with the ones i have now driving them insane. 

Although my friends may love me enough to put up with my stupidity, i may need to have times where i can cope on my own then spent time with certain people without having them think I'm being clingy or just plain annoying which i have experienced many many times.

When it comes to flirting, i am obviously not your most typical human being that will do anything in their power to make the victim realize you fancy them. I do have the need to do it from time to time but the way i do it isn't by showing off, staring or getting into conversations; it's by becoming their friend then being their for them at the most desperate times. If they can't see it then why should i bother being myself?